When the Rain falls,



My thoughts, they wander, to her



Memories splash down & like them, So does the rain.



It reminds me of my own tears, my pain.





It's then, I wonder could it be that right now



God in heaven would be crying too ?



Would he even know what is it like to shed a tear ?



How could he - for he's never lost anyone he held near or called dear.





Maybe he may miss me, I think.



I feel like saying so call me lord.



Yet, 'Not yet' he says, 'But very soon, my child, I will.'





For he's missing me and I'm missing my love.



I miss the tender words we shared at the beginning of each day !



Word that made my heart buzz & took my breath away.





I miss the passion, that love I got.



That which helped me out, & always pulled me through.



Not any more though.







But it aches, it aches so bad - my heart,



Especially at times like right now.



I have Moments of hatred



Moments When I feel just pure unadulterated hatred.





For me. For, I hate my heart.



I hate about me - my very being .





Why I hate my thoughts.



For this broken heart?



Because it cries, even as It wishes -



if only she were still near,



if only she were still here





Yet even after softly praying -



Please Please God - let her be there this once.



Instead theres just empty air.



For i forgot all my wishes



All my soul and it's dreams replaced with my new soulmate.





Would you like to know who it is ?



That 'He' is - me.



He is called Mr Fear,



& even as i cry out 'Please Please God - DON'T LET HIM HAPPEN !



Not all over again !'





I get a reply from him.



He says 'How can you even dream to have love or to know love in life,



You want it all & that too without any Pain ?'





You see, Mr Pain is Mr Fear's cousin.



& He's angry at me.



Why ?



For he once was my best friend,Yet I'd rebelled against him.



I Told him he had no place in my life - not after she.





I thought I had banished him.



Little did I then realize..It wan't him who had no place - it was just me.





One by one, even my own - began to me, Disown.



Bits of me began to die. Now alone - I'm all utterly totally alone.



In the nights - if i've nothing better to do than cry - then



I look up at the night sky.Watching the stars.



I see a shooting one & I imupulsively make a wish.





I get a reply - "Sorry Sonny,a deal is a deal!"





Who WAS THAT ?



Dunno !





Well, actually I do, but at least I can pretend to me that I do.



I know it well. For It was the voice of a deity.



No, not of God - the Other one.





Naive stupid childish me - no ?





I know..





The worst feelings in the world aren't actually feelings,



But beliefs & unmet expectations.



They are that pierce and hurt the most.



For the one who made them was not she - but I.



The deepest wounds, like the biggest lies we tell



are the one we give to ourelves.





I had it all & yet I lay it beside.





I had family - yet I ignored them aside.



I had faith - yet,



I shattered it to pieces.



I had health - yet, I raped it.



I had money - yet, I pretended I've so much that I'd always have it.



I had a conscience,



It was murdered - but not by 'Me'.





For once I was alive yes, but now - well - I don't feel so sure.





Yes, I still breathe, but barely.But do you know what the worst is ?



I thought I was alive and I was 'ME'!



Guess what - I turned out I wasn't !





Finally, I had a small ray of hope,



Do you know what I did with it ?



Yes, I smothered & buried it alive, in the same tunnel of despair



You know - the only one where there i no light -



not even at the end - For it opens to just - more darkness.





I had freedom- but I chose chains (in fact, I 'Hand Picked' them myself!)





I reached a point when my need and my wants - are now both the same.





For All I need and want is love.



For it, they say can do anything !



I Do & Yes, it can.





But you have to have it in the first place - No ?





I even had it all at first,



but by and by, in me - it grew back,



& with it so did my thirst & my fear.





The Fear that I’ll never truly get her back & we'll end up politely pretending.





Trying to show or substitute the feelings we both know, we now both lack.



Slowly Becoming friendly strangers.





It doesn't have to be this way, & yet almost alchemically it's the only way.





For it has transmuted my heart,





It's all true and that's why I am still here all alone thinking of Yo..





My love, my world, both It & I hurt too much.





And so It'll remain.



Well, until fate comes along and proves,



"Dude - it doesn't have to be such.





After all has it happend to you before, no - All this pain.





Dont worry - I will teach you love again.





For it cannot be that Is theres no one to love in this whole wide world



No one who can find even one reason to love me?



HAH ! Fat chance of THAT happening, Boy! - He whier oftly in my ear..



I'm cared he might be right - So I ignore him.





I know the love I felt and the love I got in return it..is now gone - forever.





The scars, the pain,



Ive had enough to know now that they will always remain.



This is why & how I know - I hope I will Never EVER Love again - & But for you -



the one who's reading this - I stop short of saying - " - & Neither should you!"





For now i have seen what love can bring.





It can bring both.



It can feel like heaven



Or it can hurt more than hell.





Like a blind man first made to see and then blinded again to remember what he saw.





Forever.and ever.and ever.



Will he ever see again ?



Or die blind ?





If so, will I too die having proved inasmuch.



I hope not.



AND I'm hoping for hope, & yet - against hope...