I'm all by myself,
I'm considered
by most, to be
'One of the men'.

But deep inside me
unbeknownst at times even to me,
I know - I'm not one of them.

Men don't cry.

People ain't supposed to 'just' hate them..
But for some reason - most do.
Either them or is it myself ?
My soul ?

Yes - my soul..
Can you imagine a life
in which your very own soul despises YOU..?

OK, The mind can & does deceive everyone,
Health too can catch one by surprise by siding with pain & consequence.

But your own Soul !?
Surely that cannot possibly turn against You !
For It is You!

& When IT turns against yourself,
When you sickeningly realize, you have no where to go
You can't run away, nor hide.

What would you do ?
No - Really !
What Can you do ?
Simply put - grin n bear it ..
Though sometimes Really Wonder Why ?

Even lepers are shown love and mercy.
Why ? - Just Because they suffer - physically - Visibly!?

The sickness.

But My kind of disease,

I guess it deserves no mercy ?

For My disease is weakness from within, as per 'them'.

As if - of course - a guy with cancer has deliberately nurtured it to grow within him - huh ?

Morally weak, Self-destructive/deliberately caused/wantingly victimized
Happy in self pity..

Everyone seems, no Wants - to believe so.

What hurts me most is - my closest are the first in my line
of people of hatred towards me.

My Own ?!

I do not talk much nor have many friends,
For now, I'm afraid to make them..

For I'm alone & afraid of being judged,
but not by the world but by my closest & very Own.

I was naive - Not knowing the Judge, The Jury and the prosecutor are all but me..

Imagine my horror when in my mind ,

as I place my head in the noose to end it all,

for a very brief second,

my executioner adjusts his dark mask..& (probably,deliberately)

lets me catch a glimpse,

& as he wiggles both his thick black scarred eyebrows,

He flashes me a sardonic - almost gleeful smile.

And shockingly I realize,

He..IT, is my own soul! .. & well.. It wants me dead.

So die I do.
I die confused.

Yet, That last expression of my essence,

It'll stick - frozen in my karmic DNA .

For what can you do when your closest seem to ..not want you ?

Close ones are supposed to love you, No ?
What if someone you truly love care for becomes sick ?

A chronic disease for which there exists NO cure ?

And you know he is going to die of it ..
You try & exhaust every single cure - right?

To your very best of your abilities,

yet ... nothing works for him.

But you still love him !
Knowing,It's but a matter of time.

A month ? A few months ?
Maybe a few years - if he's really (un)lucky !?


What Would you do ?
What Could you do ?

Wait ?
Hope ?
Wonder ?
Pity ?

Sorry - he's doing all of the above already.

In plenty.

All the bloody time.

He hates his disease a hundred fold more than you do !

Yet slowly you find & begin to Hate him for falling to this sickness,
You begin to (at first sub-consciously)
then secretly, hope he dies quick & fast
As you comfortably clad - in the mask & robe of a
smug self morally justifiable belief,
That he suffer the least ?

Moral justifiability,
or
Plausible deniability ?

Shades apart.

Yet both are - all I'll say is
You choose to just believe you're doing the right thing for
they both have 'ability' in them.

So You resign - Sigh! .. - Give up & sit back.

And spend the rest of his waking life - criticizing him,
denying him, refusing him, unloving him.

You HAVE to provide for him - not for his sake but your conscience's
So you do but just enough that he stays alive.
After all - It isn't practical, yes, ?
To waste your emotions & worse - finances
to keep a person who though you love
but is going to die anyway - alive ?

You think I'm going overboard - dear reader ?

Well, Maybe I am.

But do consider these words
when you are at his pyre.

For he knows the thoughts you think,
Even if you yourself didn't then.

Now that you have tried, tried again, and now finally reconciled,

Well, so what if he/she is a child of mine - reality is, he's a goner ?

He is a An unproductive specimen & worth zilch in the 'Real world'..?

To be Refused any resources he might dream to have a future in ..
BECAUSE HE IS SICK !
He HAS no right to have any dreams or desires which
BECAUSE HE IS SICK !
Stuff Which IF were he normal - you would have gladly
and happily offered & indulged.


But you would feel guilty in doing that now - wouldn't you.
For you have lived by the book, been a good healthy person,
fulfilled your 'Perceived duties'.

And in addition to going back to hide smugly behind your mask.

Spend each day Make him feel his disease its his goddamned fault ?
& HE should have known better than to fall prey ?

DESPITE knowing and understanding - scientifically,
THAT that its not his fault and he's CERTAINLY not sick by choice..

Have you ever, ever heard anyone say

"How DARE you get cancer ?"
or
"What the hell were you thinking when you became a diabetic ?"
or even
"How could you have been stupid enough to become a schizophrenic?"

Yet - people say - why the hell are you an addict/alcoholic ?

You think he's enjoying it ?
Dying a bit each day?

To prevent him from hurting himself
you employed - well 'safeguards'

Thence on, Your
Safeguards became walls of prejudice.
Intentions turned into verbal arrrows.
His wishes - into dangers.
His dreams - somehow twisted into nightmares.

BECAUSE HE IS AN ADDICT
He cant have dreams nor desires,
BECAUSE HE IS AN ADDICT
He cannot hope.
BECAUSE HE IS AN ADDICT
He is unfit to even be cared for.
BECAUSE HE IS AN ADDICT
He is no longer related to me &
I will do just the barest essentials - so he may -
"hopefully not but for my conscience's sake" - survive"
BECAUSE HE IS AN ADDICT
HE IS NOT ENTITLED TO HAPPINESS !

If he wishes or yearns for it
let him crawl around, beg borrow steal it
from wherever he wants to but he aint getting none from me at least.

Bravo for you ! - O' 'Percieved Goodness'

Thanks a ton for understanding.

But never fear,
He still does not judge, not you, not anyone.

For how can the judged, judge ?

But people like him have help.

The most powerful help of all.Help from a power, In front of which you, Yes, YOU dear reader - are not even what an amoeba is to you.

What ?

That power is indefinable, limitless & IT IS YOU who has blemished him by trying to name it. But let's not go that way , that is yet another of your allusions you have created to try to somehow signify your insignificance. I shun religion, for they limit me. I don't adhere to your so called 'Rules' which you have made. Are you even aware WHY they are in place? Because without them you will descend into anarchy in days if not hours. You bomb,kill,maim, rob,cheat,steal in the name of Justice. Sorry off I'm a sounding a little cynical, but you know what I say is true. Atleast we, only harm ourselves.. THAT is why I don't fear, whereas you live in it sadly - constantly. As long as that power is behind me, try as you may, but you can never win. Hurt my body, yes. But you cannot even touch, let alone hurt my soul. Heck you don't know whether you have one, let alone being aware of it. But I am. And if I've chosen to hurt myself in this lifetime, it's my karma, and which My soul has chosen to equalize with. People like us - have Chosen to hurt & rise above it while you whine over just about everything in your lives. WE live in the NOW, not in regret of your yesterday's nor in the fear of tomorrow. For GOD carries 'Most' of them.

& Yes - sadly not 'All' of us. I choose to live, you live to choose. Every. Waking. Moment. You shall not

For and thus I am one of the ones that even he too, dropped..

But it's all right.

I guess I am better off than millions.

But am tired now.

Goodbye cruel world.

I'm Standing on a hill and yet I'm staring up at the mountain..

The birds, they dive and turn, they're trying to catch what I can't see

It Sure ain't the first time & I hope it ain't the last time

When all of the days work is done,

I sit and think - by the light of the setting sun

Only now - Today - I see what we'd become - we became two of the lucky ones.


The wind is gonna blow, trees are gonna sway in joy

And babe, the best thing is that I know you know -

Just like you n me - they too don't have to try

It Sure ain't the first time; I hope it ain't the last time


When all of the days work is done,

I sit and think - by the light of the setting sun

Only now - Today - I see what we - now sadly were - two of the lucky

ones.

For the very first time, there's no words to be heard

No more feelings to feel,

but some of them - just some - need to be left, unfelt


I was so lonely - it felt like I was a bird with broken wings

And then I Opened up my sad eyes, and I saw - that love was all around

I Am so lonely - it feels like I'm again, a bird with broken wings,

Unuseful, unwanted, not worthy enough - I don't know what to do,

Have I the courage to be kissed on my eyes again,

I do not know.

Should I stay blinded and go back to that imagination ?

Or should I let go, hope n pray, and let fate take its toll ?

Some questions are - i guess - more difficult to understand - even if I have the answer..

All I know now is - I'm yet again at the place I was, because

I'm Standing on a hill and yet I'm staring up at a mountain...

When the Rain falls,



My thoughts, they wander, to her



Memories splash down & like them, So does the rain.



It reminds me of my own tears, my pain.





It's then, I wonder could it be that right now



God in heaven would be crying too ?



Would he even know what is it like to shed a tear ?



How could he - for he's never lost anyone he held near or called dear.





Maybe he may miss me, I think.



I feel like saying so call me lord.



Yet, 'Not yet' he says, 'But very soon, my child, I will.'





For he's missing me and I'm missing my love.



I miss the tender words we shared at the beginning of each day !



Word that made my heart buzz & took my breath away.





I miss the passion, that love I got.



That which helped me out, & always pulled me through.



Not any more though.







But it aches, it aches so bad - my heart,



Especially at times like right now.



I have Moments of hatred



Moments When I feel just pure unadulterated hatred.





For me. For, I hate my heart.



I hate about me - my very being .





Why I hate my thoughts.



For this broken heart?



Because it cries, even as It wishes -



if only she were still near,



if only she were still here





Yet even after softly praying -



Please Please God - let her be there this once.



Instead theres just empty air.



For i forgot all my wishes



All my soul and it's dreams replaced with my new soulmate.





Would you like to know who it is ?



That 'He' is - me.



He is called Mr Fear,



& even as i cry out 'Please Please God - DON'T LET HIM HAPPEN !



Not all over again !'





I get a reply from him.



He says 'How can you even dream to have love or to know love in life,



You want it all & that too without any Pain ?'





You see, Mr Pain is Mr Fear's cousin.



& He's angry at me.



Why ?



For he once was my best friend,Yet I'd rebelled against him.



I Told him he had no place in my life - not after she.





I thought I had banished him.



Little did I then realize..It wan't him who had no place - it was just me.





One by one, even my own - began to me, Disown.



Bits of me began to die. Now alone - I'm all utterly totally alone.



In the nights - if i've nothing better to do than cry - then



I look up at the night sky.Watching the stars.



I see a shooting one & I imupulsively make a wish.





I get a reply - "Sorry Sonny,a deal is a deal!"





Who WAS THAT ?



Dunno !





Well, actually I do, but at least I can pretend to me that I do.



I know it well. For It was the voice of a deity.



No, not of God - the Other one.





Naive stupid childish me - no ?





I know..





The worst feelings in the world aren't actually feelings,



But beliefs & unmet expectations.



They are that pierce and hurt the most.



For the one who made them was not she - but I.



The deepest wounds, like the biggest lies we tell



are the one we give to ourelves.





I had it all & yet I lay it beside.





I had family - yet I ignored them aside.



I had faith - yet,



I shattered it to pieces.



I had health - yet, I raped it.



I had money - yet, I pretended I've so much that I'd always have it.



I had a conscience,



It was murdered - but not by 'Me'.





For once I was alive yes, but now - well - I don't feel so sure.





Yes, I still breathe, but barely.But do you know what the worst is ?



I thought I was alive and I was 'ME'!



Guess what - I turned out I wasn't !





Finally, I had a small ray of hope,



Do you know what I did with it ?



Yes, I smothered & buried it alive, in the same tunnel of despair



You know - the only one where there i no light -



not even at the end - For it opens to just - more darkness.





I had freedom- but I chose chains (in fact, I 'Hand Picked' them myself!)





I reached a point when my need and my wants - are now both the same.





For All I need and want is love.



For it, they say can do anything !



I Do & Yes, it can.





But you have to have it in the first place - No ?





I even had it all at first,



but by and by, in me - it grew back,



& with it so did my thirst & my fear.





The Fear that I’ll never truly get her back & we'll end up politely pretending.





Trying to show or substitute the feelings we both know, we now both lack.



Slowly Becoming friendly strangers.





It doesn't have to be this way, & yet almost alchemically it's the only way.





For it has transmuted my heart,





It's all true and that's why I am still here all alone thinking of Yo..





My love, my world, both It & I hurt too much.





And so It'll remain.



Well, until fate comes along and proves,



"Dude - it doesn't have to be such.





After all has it happend to you before, no - All this pain.





Dont worry - I will teach you love again.





For it cannot be that Is theres no one to love in this whole wide world



No one who can find even one reason to love me?



HAH ! Fat chance of THAT happening, Boy! - He whier oftly in my ear..



I'm cared he might be right - So I ignore him.





I know the love I felt and the love I got in return it..is now gone - forever.





The scars, the pain,



Ive had enough to know now that they will always remain.



This is why & how I know - I hope I will Never EVER Love again - & But for you -



the one who's reading this - I stop short of saying - " - & Neither should you!"





For now i have seen what love can bring.





It can bring both.



It can feel like heaven



Or it can hurt more than hell.





Like a blind man first made to see and then blinded again to remember what he saw.





Forever.and ever.and ever.



Will he ever see again ?



Or die blind ?





If so, will I too die having proved inasmuch.



I hope not.



AND I'm hoping for hope, & yet - against hope...

Vo, jo meine kabhi
nahi socha, naahi chaha ?
Jo mei hun nahi,
Aur jaisa mei naahi hun
aur naahi hona chahtaa tha,
Yeh kya hae,
Ya kaun hae,
mujhmei, jo mujhe
apne ko usmei badaltei dekh,
majboor kar deta hae..?
Vo, jo meine kabhi na socha, na chahaa ?
Shatranj ki ek baazi si,
Aisi yeh ajab zindagi hae jahan sheh aur maat,
dono khud ko dun.
Aur Aaj talak khudse hee,
jeet toh nahi paya,
magar naahi meine haar kabool ki hae..

Why is it that I seek darkness when I’m surrounded by light ?

Why is it I am in pain when I seem to heal others ?

Why do I constantly seek misery whilst wanting glory

Why do I imprison myself whilst I preach freedom ?

Why is it I seem to touch God, yet act as the Devil incarnate ?

 

Why do we say something and yet do something ?

Why is it we are unable to see the darkness within even as we bathe in light ?

Why is it we choose a daily pocketful of suicide even as we are showered with life ?..

These questions – they haunt me.

 

Am I unable to do anything despite knowing ? 

Who is the true me ? 

The one I think from within … or the one who I otherwise be ?

They say God is merciful. 

They say Do Good and think good. 

They say do not be evil. 

Could it be that all those ‘they’ are suffering too ? 

Seeing dreams and yet living nightmares ? 

Why am I seeming to be my best friend yet being my worst enemy ? 

Why can I not think and do the same thing ? 

Why do I feel like a stranger unto my own loving familiar self ? 

Why do I pretend to be that which I'm not ? 

Why am I so afraid to be me ? 

Why ? Why ? Why ?

These are the questions that haunt me. 

Yet, Why don't they haunt me when I'm apparently giving pain to one and all, around me ?

And Ironically, the times I feel sanest is when my soul is screaming in an agony of madness. 

Why do I wish for Bliss & yet I live torture ? 

Most people do not even think of these things ?

Do they not feel ? Do they not hurt ? 

 Or maybe they do - but they can turn & look away.

If so, They are truly lucky.

 Maybe even blessed.

 

Why do bad things happen only to good people ? 

We seek goodness with all yet ally ourselves with evil itself ? 

Am I like this for a reason – a season, or for this whole lifetime ? 

Will I remain Myself ?

Or will I too, turn into someone else. 

Already. It's been so long that today its tough to recall how I once was or who I truly was.

I find it interesting that ‘how’ and ‘who’ are made of the same letters – yet …

…

I leave it to you and your own demons or angels to the answer to that last question.

I am not an evil person yet I cause immense pain to all around me.

I’m not a religious person yet I sense God & his presence all around me.

I didn't , rather I still don't any faith – yet the very fact that I am somehow still alive is nothing short of a miracle.

I do not have belief in me, yet the ones around me, do. 

Today is a festive occasion. 

A celebration of darkness being vanquished by light. 

The festival of love and light. 

I guess,  I’ll pretend to be bathed in light – whilst swathed in darkness. 

Why do we do the things we do to ourselves ? 

Maybe some questions were meant to, and are best - left unanswered.

Maybe...

LOVE AFTER LOVE

 

The time will come

when, with elation,

you will greet yourself arriving

at your own door, in your own mirror,

and each will smile at the other's welcome,

 

and say, sit here. Eat.

You will love again the stranger who was your self.

Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart

to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored

for another, who knows you by heart.

Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

 

the photographs, the desperate notes,

peel your own image from the mirror.

Sit.

Sit and Feast on your life.

CHANGE

When i try my best but don't succeed 
When i get what i want but not that what i truly need 
When i feel so tired, that I can't sleep 
When I feel I'm like a car thats stuck in reverse.

And the tears 
The tears come streaming down my face 
They just do, they dont seem to care 
without me realizing, nor trying
I find myself crying,
For I've lost something that can't be replaced
nor repaired. 

When you love someone but see that precious precious love
There already is so scarce 
it goes to waste 
What Could be worse? 

I comfort myself,
hug myself from within.
within from without -- huh ?
I Comfort me by believing
the darkness will someday lift
& the Light will shine & guide me home 
But before that Ive to ignite these bones 
And till then, God will keep trying to fix me.
Crying while he's trying.
For which father can see his own child slowly dying..?

Whether high up above or deep down below 
When you're in love
You don't fight, you just learn to let it go 
But if you never try, to love - you'll never know 
Just 'what' your worth truly is, or can be to someone, somewhere ! 
But me being me, I end up doing none,
Ending up neither here nor there

I Comfort me by believing
the darkness will someday lift
& the Light will shine & guide me home 
But before that Ive to ignite these bones 
And till then, God will keep trying to fix me.

These Tears, they stream down my face as i type..
They've just appeared, they weren't made. 
For I've lost something that can't be replaced
neither repaired.
They've been here now for quite a while..
Oh Well.. I guess till then I'll just have to live with them
But on my lips, also a smile

I promised me I shall learn from my mistakes 
Yet Tears still stream down my face like a child,
But now - on my face at least I also have a smile..

I grew up. I realized that Unless I changed direction,
I was likely to end up where I was going.
& As I look at where I'm,
I'm not so sure, is it where I wanna be any more ?
Who but me can question that to change my destination,

I must first change direction.

... change direction.