I'm all by myself,
I'm considered
by most, to be
'One of the men'.

But deep inside me
unbeknownst at times even to me,
I know - I'm not one of them.

Men don't cry.

People ain't supposed to 'just' hate them..
But for some reason - most do.
Either them or is it myself ?
My soul ?

Yes - my soul..
Can you imagine a life
in which your very own soul despises YOU..?

OK, The mind can & does deceive everyone,
Health too can catch one by surprise by siding with pain & consequence.

But your own Soul !?
Surely that cannot possibly turn against You !
For It is You!

& When IT turns against yourself,
When you sickeningly realize, you have no where to go
You can't run away, nor hide.

What would you do ?
No - Really !
What Can you do ?
Simply put - grin n bear it ..
Though sometimes Really Wonder Why ?

Even lepers are shown love and mercy.
Why ? - Just Because they suffer - physically - Visibly!?

The sickness.

But My kind of disease,

I guess it deserves no mercy ?

For My disease is weakness from within, as per 'them'.

As if - of course - a guy with cancer has deliberately nurtured it to grow within him - huh ?

Morally weak, Self-destructive/deliberately caused/wantingly victimized
Happy in self pity..

Everyone seems, no Wants - to believe so.

What hurts me most is - my closest are the first in my line
of people of hatred towards me.

My Own ?!

I do not talk much nor have many friends,
For now, I'm afraid to make them..

For I'm alone & afraid of being judged,
but not by the world but by my closest & very Own.

I was naive - Not knowing the Judge, The Jury and the prosecutor are all but me..

Imagine my horror when in my mind ,

as I place my head in the noose to end it all,

for a very brief second,

my executioner adjusts his dark mask..& (probably,deliberately)

lets me catch a glimpse,

& as he wiggles both his thick black scarred eyebrows,

He flashes me a sardonic - almost gleeful smile.

And shockingly I realize,

He..IT, is my own soul! .. & well.. It wants me dead.

So die I do.
I die confused.

Yet, That last expression of my essence,

It'll stick - frozen in my karmic DNA .

For what can you do when your closest seem to ..not want you ?

Close ones are supposed to love you, No ?
What if someone you truly love care for becomes sick ?

A chronic disease for which there exists NO cure ?

And you know he is going to die of it ..
You try & exhaust every single cure - right?

To your very best of your abilities,

yet ... nothing works for him.

But you still love him !
Knowing,It's but a matter of time.

A month ? A few months ?
Maybe a few years - if he's really (un)lucky !?


What Would you do ?
What Could you do ?

Wait ?
Hope ?
Wonder ?
Pity ?

Sorry - he's doing all of the above already.

In plenty.

All the bloody time.

He hates his disease a hundred fold more than you do !

Yet slowly you find & begin to Hate him for falling to this sickness,
You begin to (at first sub-consciously)
then secretly, hope he dies quick & fast
As you comfortably clad - in the mask & robe of a
smug self morally justifiable belief,
That he suffer the least ?

Moral justifiability,
or
Plausible deniability ?

Shades apart.

Yet both are - all I'll say is
You choose to just believe you're doing the right thing for
they both have 'ability' in them.

So You resign - Sigh! .. - Give up & sit back.

And spend the rest of his waking life - criticizing him,
denying him, refusing him, unloving him.

You HAVE to provide for him - not for his sake but your conscience's
So you do but just enough that he stays alive.
After all - It isn't practical, yes, ?
To waste your emotions & worse - finances
to keep a person who though you love
but is going to die anyway - alive ?

You think I'm going overboard - dear reader ?

Well, Maybe I am.

But do consider these words
when you are at his pyre.

For he knows the thoughts you think,
Even if you yourself didn't then.

Now that you have tried, tried again, and now finally reconciled,

Well, so what if he/she is a child of mine - reality is, he's a goner ?

He is a An unproductive specimen & worth zilch in the 'Real world'..?

To be Refused any resources he might dream to have a future in ..
BECAUSE HE IS SICK !
He HAS no right to have any dreams or desires which
BECAUSE HE IS SICK !
Stuff Which IF were he normal - you would have gladly
and happily offered & indulged.


But you would feel guilty in doing that now - wouldn't you.
For you have lived by the book, been a good healthy person,
fulfilled your 'Perceived duties'.

And in addition to going back to hide smugly behind your mask.

Spend each day Make him feel his disease its his goddamned fault ?
& HE should have known better than to fall prey ?

DESPITE knowing and understanding - scientifically,
THAT that its not his fault and he's CERTAINLY not sick by choice..

Have you ever, ever heard anyone say

"How DARE you get cancer ?"
or
"What the hell were you thinking when you became a diabetic ?"
or even
"How could you have been stupid enough to become a schizophrenic?"

Yet - people say - why the hell are you an addict/alcoholic ?

You think he's enjoying it ?
Dying a bit each day?

To prevent him from hurting himself
you employed - well 'safeguards'

Thence on, Your
Safeguards became walls of prejudice.
Intentions turned into verbal arrrows.
His wishes - into dangers.
His dreams - somehow twisted into nightmares.

BECAUSE HE IS AN ADDICT
He cant have dreams nor desires,
BECAUSE HE IS AN ADDICT
He cannot hope.
BECAUSE HE IS AN ADDICT
He is unfit to even be cared for.
BECAUSE HE IS AN ADDICT
He is no longer related to me &
I will do just the barest essentials - so he may -
"hopefully not but for my conscience's sake" - survive"
BECAUSE HE IS AN ADDICT
HE IS NOT ENTITLED TO HAPPINESS !

If he wishes or yearns for it
let him crawl around, beg borrow steal it
from wherever he wants to but he aint getting none from me at least.

Bravo for you ! - O' 'Percieved Goodness'

Thanks a ton for understanding.

But never fear,
He still does not judge, not you, not anyone.

For how can the judged, judge ?

But people like him have help.

The most powerful help of all.Help from a power, In front of which you, Yes, YOU dear reader - are not even what an amoeba is to you.

What ?

That power is indefinable, limitless & IT IS YOU who has blemished him by trying to name it. But let's not go that way , that is yet another of your allusions you have created to try to somehow signify your insignificance. I shun religion, for they limit me. I don't adhere to your so called 'Rules' which you have made. Are you even aware WHY they are in place? Because without them you will descend into anarchy in days if not hours. You bomb,kill,maim, rob,cheat,steal in the name of Justice. Sorry off I'm a sounding a little cynical, but you know what I say is true. Atleast we, only harm ourselves.. THAT is why I don't fear, whereas you live in it sadly - constantly. As long as that power is behind me, try as you may, but you can never win. Hurt my body, yes. But you cannot even touch, let alone hurt my soul. Heck you don't know whether you have one, let alone being aware of it. But I am. And if I've chosen to hurt myself in this lifetime, it's my karma, and which My soul has chosen to equalize with. People like us - have Chosen to hurt & rise above it while you whine over just about everything in your lives. WE live in the NOW, not in regret of your yesterday's nor in the fear of tomorrow. For GOD carries 'Most' of them.

& Yes - sadly not 'All' of us. I choose to live, you live to choose. Every. Waking. Moment. You shall not

For and thus I am one of the ones that even he too, dropped..

But it's all right.

I guess I am better off than millions.

But am tired now.

Goodbye cruel world.