CHANGE

When i try my best but don't succeed 
When i get what i want but not that what i truly need 
When i feel so tired, that I can't sleep 
When I feel I'm like a car thats stuck in reverse.

And the tears 
The tears come streaming down my face 
They just do, they dont seem to care 
without me realizing, nor trying
I find myself crying,
For I've lost something that can't be replaced
nor repaired. 

When you love someone but see that precious precious love
There already is so scarce 
it goes to waste 
What Could be worse? 

I comfort myself,
hug myself from within.
within from without -- huh ?
I Comfort me by believing
the darkness will someday lift
& the Light will shine & guide me home 
But before that Ive to ignite these bones 
And till then, God will keep trying to fix me.
Crying while he's trying.
For which father can see his own child slowly dying..?

Whether high up above or deep down below 
When you're in love
You don't fight, you just learn to let it go 
But if you never try, to love - you'll never know 
Just 'what' your worth truly is, or can be to someone, somewhere ! 
But me being me, I end up doing none,
Ending up neither here nor there

I Comfort me by believing
the darkness will someday lift
& the Light will shine & guide me home 
But before that Ive to ignite these bones 
And till then, God will keep trying to fix me.

These Tears, they stream down my face as i type..
They've just appeared, they weren't made. 
For I've lost something that can't be replaced
neither repaired.
They've been here now for quite a while..
Oh Well.. I guess till then I'll just have to live with them
But on my lips, also a smile

I promised me I shall learn from my mistakes 
Yet Tears still stream down my face like a child,
But now - on my face at least I also have a smile..

I grew up. I realized that Unless I changed direction,
I was likely to end up where I was going.
& As I look at where I'm,
I'm not so sure, is it where I wanna be any more ?
Who but me can question that to change my destination,

I must first change direction.

... change direction.

Each day i go to bed clean,
is for me, a battle won.
Usually the day is mine.
I - Emerge - A Daily Victor !
Yet Some nights I go to bed - the loser.

Sometimes, my enemy changes tactics or
takes me by surprise,
Yes there shall be Battles lost,
But I try and think of them not as Battles lost, But Battles Gained & Lessons learnt,
And I Then fortify that area,
& Pray I may never weaken there again.
..
For..
I'm my Country
I'm my Army
Me - the Battlefield.
Mind and body,
Heart and soul.
Yet, also - I'm the enemy
I - its arsenal
Within me, it spies
Within me it strikes
But This war has No Rules
Nor Mercy
It's a A Fight - Unto Death
& there'll be no honor
Nor glory
No matter whose side 'Im' on.
Though, Yes ive a secret.
A weapon,
But if I wrote it - it wont remain so
would it ?
Question is
Should I be a patriot
Knowing The enemys in me ?
Who'll win ?
Me.
But then who will be the loser ..?
Me..

For I know whatever the outcome
The Loser shall be mercilessly slaughterd.
One will stand and the other shall fall.

Will or can I be able to destroy a part of me ?
I guess Yes, I will.
Else like a cancerous growth
I will devour me, my attitude.
Someone once said
'Patriotism is a virtue of the vicious'
I now know what he meant.
For Each day is a battle
Deep inside,I know
the War shall eventually be won by me
But I Wonder
The needlessness, the cost
For, the war,
Whenever won I wonder
Will there be anything left,
To live or have Fought for?
Yet, just for today I will fight.
& will keep fighting, Everytime,
To the last day
Till my last breath..
..or die trying...

--
@sh

Embracing the wind,
I reach out my arms,
To receive even more,
Of this fulfillment,
Of nothing.
Yet it's something.
An invisible body,
That I grip together tight,
Mixed up in my own imagery,
I give you a name,
In which I can't explain,
But one that I understand.
I prance along the lush grass,
Holding you all in,
My nobody is my somebody,
I'll always take you as one.

So here I stand, empty hands,
Yet I know you're there,
Somewhere...

If I were a line
I think I'd be curled,
twisty wriggly & swirled, slowly unfurled.
I'd sweep over pages unwritten,

if I were a line,
i'd be a road,
driving down it on Motorcycle, fast
the wind in my hair,
my heart laid bare.
with nothing to say...
Yo know, That's what I'd be,
if I were a line.

But what If I were a spot
I'd be round and fat
(now how about that?*)
like a big, fat, well-fed cat.
I'd have drizzled and dropped,
if I were a spot,
pittering, pattering,
yo know, just like the v first raindrop !
That's what I'd be - if I were a spot.

If I were a colour
I'd be a rich red,
like a murderer's deathbed
for thats what I am 
a murderer.
i have taken two lives.
One isn't for anyone to know & One's mine.
i killed myself.
Can one be punished for murdering his own self ?

Nah ! Maybe I'd be a Black
No fuss,nothing dramatic,
just deep, still & silent
even though my thoughts,
all sporadic.
That's what I'd be,
if I were a colour.

But I am a human,
I AM...!!
I am so frail, so flawed,
yet so strong, so flexible
Ya, i do sometimetimes get bored,
times like now like now..
(a time spent wishing i 
was with Myo - just being adored).
Thus through my life - I twist and I turn

I bend and sometimes get bent.

Yet, I shall not break.
My Hinges, though - the ones upon which/who I twist and I turn upon,

Those - no one can see's 

None - at all.

Nobody But Me And The God Of My Perception Can See.

As for my shape, My shape ..Hah ! it's no other than the one I can be.

 My colour, it changes
almost constantly,
Because I am a human:
A human – that's me. 

A Solitary soul being jostled around in a sea of other souls

Watching, Waiting, Commiserating ,Thinking..
Oh god, when will thy set me free...?!

The Loner, he carries a shovel
 Across the endless desert that is his life.
 He’s heard of a place of wealth
 Where love is the currency,
 And where gold doesn’t mean a thing.
Yet there is no oasis, nor spring..
 
The gunslinger also-He rides his steed
Across the endless desert.
He remembers old legends
Of an amazing romantic adventure
Of a Heaven on Earth, there for those who search
For a place of beauty and love.
 
The princess with beauty unrivalled
She too, wanders across the endless desert.
She remembers the court jester sing of a place
Where love is the gift that to all - life gives.
Where there's abundance
Where there's her own king
Where there's a life that one truly lives.
 
The exiled child too,
She carries her teddy bear
Across the endless desert.
Driven by her wish for love
From her own hateful self,
Maybe she’ll find herself there.
 
The priest who’s faith is lost, 
He too forever walks across the endless desert.
His love for God weak and broken,
He searches instead for mortal treasure.
With old hopes and empty prayers.
 
I too take my weary body
Across the endless desert
A broken soul, starting to mend
Hoping to finally find his treasure.
The one thats waiting for him there.
My treasure, It lies unclaimed.
I dream away,
Sure - sometimes reality stabs me like a knife
Sure - I sometimes feel I won't make it through
But I just want my treasure, 
and my treasure is you.
I know you await for me
...
Just across the endless desert of Life.




-@sh